April 2020: Best of the Internet
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Hey hunker-downers,
Dare I ask how everyone is doing?
Lemme guess: Your brain is operating at Amtrak WiFi speed lately. My advice, which is just me regurgitating thoughtful sentences from my therapist (free therapy for you!), is to exercise some self-compassion. In what ways can you be nicer to yourself right now? No one in history has had to deal with all of this *gestures wildly at everything* before, and it’s not up to you to figure it out on your own.
Let’s talk about this phrase we’ve heard too much: unprecedented times. We get it; 2012 walked so 2020 could run: Digital strip clubs are popping off, you will never find Beyonce's secret Instagram account, job security for divorce lawyers is way up. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then sorry to this man that you’re quarantined with. Bright side: you don’t have to fake-smile through any plantation weddings for at least the next 4 months.
Through all of this, I’ve deemed a few things delightfully non-essential:
Any clothing that is not one of the 4 UNC t-shirts that are invariably at the top of my drawer. Jeans are just hard pants and we don’t need them.
Every person’s Instagram story of homemade sourdough bread. Nobody cares.
Men telling me to smile on the sidewalk. You can’t see my RBF through this mask!
Images above: Hannah Pahl, Instagram
Skip If You’re Avoiding Quarantine Content
You, Disappearing
This fictional story is from 2014, but it graced my inbox through the Deez Links newsletter this morning, which is the closest thing to “perfect timing” I’ve had in months. It’s the story of a slow and gradual apocalypse where tangible objects start to disappear from the Earth, and details the two kinds of people that emerge: people who try to care more, and people who double down on not caring at all.
But it was difficult to stay dedicated for more than a few weeks and eventually we middled, caring about things sloppily and in spurts. We poked at the dirt and then fell asleep feeling that we should have done more or maybe less. In the end, there was only one kind of person.
I’m Your 5 p.m. Depression Shower and I’m Back, Baby
If you know, you know.
Where to Spend Your Stimulus Check
Hint: Undocumented people are not eligible for government assistance. They’re also literally the backbone of the economy as they continue to show up to work at grocery stores, on farms, in factories, in hospitals, etc. This fund directs financial support to them.
Life in Quarantine: Stories from Paris, Umbria and Tel Aviv
“Grannies lean out their windows and wave scarves and dish towels with broad smiles. I don’t recall ever having seen them on the streets but after four weeks, their faces, emotional like mine, will remain forever anchored to my memory of this time.”
Images Above: @grland.co, @the_newsette, @jillburro_w, @aprettycoolgirl, Instagram
To Read While Chillin’ at Home:
Jaboukie Young White’s Vulture Interview
Using his verified Twitter account to impersonate and defame celebs and politicians, Jaboukie Young White is the only person using the Internet correctly.
TBT to The Note on Jersey Shore
The Ringer analyzes Greatest Moments of Reality TV this month, the best of which focuses on the meme shot round the world, The Note, which is exactly the kind of passive aggressive thing you would write if you were stuck in a house with a bunch of people who are really starting to grind your gears. Life imitates art, eh?
The Reality TV Bracket
What do you get when you subtract sports from an already dwindling volume of entertainment? A bracket that fills the ever-expanding, Carolina Basketball-shaped hole in my heart. Kim Kardashian might seem like an obvious 1-seed, but did you look at the rest? Rounds 2 and 3 just add to the uncertainty tormenting my brain: Kris Jenner vs. Christian Siriano? The Situation vs. Heidi Pratt? Discuss!!!
The Best Online Class You’ve Ever Taken
If you’re itching to find a productive outlet for your energy, first: literally never speak to me again. Second: you might like this resourceful list crowdsourced on Twitter. Bye!
WATCH: Leslie Jordan Is a Light in the Darkness
I keep seeing his videos shared by people who think he’s just a funny old gay man with unfiltered takes on the apocalypse but damn if y’all aren’t missing out his character as Beverly Leslie. Just do yourself a favor and start Will & Grace from the beginning.
Image source: Lo-Fi Aperitif, Instagram
Our Shelves, Ourselves
WATCH: Ina Garten and Her Massive Cosmopolitan. I’m going to need a double.
EAT: The Most-Searched Recipe in Every State. Support DC statehood if u wanna see the nation’s capital on here!!!
THINK: What Our Grocery Purchases Say about Us. What’s left on the shelves might mean more than what we’re hoarding. Also stop hoarding; it’s ugly.
DO: How to Be a Better Takeout and Delivery Customer, According to Restaurants. This will never not be true: if you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out. And if you’re worried about people who can’t afford to eat at all, share/volunteer/donate at your local food bank.